


Lockdown

by bibliosoph



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Terrorism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-20 20:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22549357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliosoph/pseuds/bibliosoph
Summary: Based on a prompt I got on Tumblr.Alex and Henry have a fight before Henry leaves to go to England for a bit. While in England, there is an attempted assassination and Alex loses his mind because he can't get in touch with anyone and he left things with Henry up in the air.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 25
Kudos: 378





	1. One

There were a lot of things that Alex could imagine with little difficulty, especially when it came to Henry: waking up next to him every morning, asking Henry to marry him, being married to him. The fantasies helped get him through the thick of finals and long meetings at the campaign office. There were so many things that Alex could picture doing with Henry––he was pretty sure that he had been through each one at least twice now. So, when something happened (or, more accurately, when something didn't happen) that Alex had never imagined, he had absolutely no idea how to deal with it. There was no protocol for this kind of thing, no list with explicit steps to follow. There was nothing but hurt and disappointment and anger.

After waiting for two hours at the restaurant, he decided to give up and go back to the brownstone. HRH Prince Henry of Dodging Phone Calls wasn't home yet, so Alex sat on their over-sized arm chair and anxiously awaited his arrival. Unfortunately, his time alone just made all of his negative emotions build and spiral out of control. He'd been upset since the morning, but he thought that dinner would put his mind at ease. But Henry hadn't showed up to dinner. Two hours had passed and he still never showed. He hadn't responded to Alex's texts or calls. So, when Henry showed up at the brownstone an hour after a deflated Alex had gotten back, Alex was practically shaking with rage and confusion.

"Oh," Alex said when Henry entered, "you are alive."

Henry smiled at him like this was some sort of hilarious joke. That quickly changed when he noticed Alex's death glare.

"What happened?"

Alex fought the urge to just unleash and yell at him. He took a measured breath instead. "I don't know. You tell me."

Henry looked at him for a moment. "Love, why don't you just tell me? I haven't a clue what's going on."

Alex growled at him. "Are you fucking kidding me right now? Is this a joke or something?"

Henry blinked at him. "I don't––"

"When you didn't say anything this morning, I thought you were just too tired to remember, but then you make me wait for two fucking hours at that––"

"Oh, Christ," Henry groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I forgot about our dinner plans, didn't I?"

"That's not all you forgot," Alex seethed. "Have you seen the date?"

He could see the gears turning in Henry's head. Then, inn a moment of recognition, Henry's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Oh," he gasped. "Our anniversary is today." He started to move towards Alex, but Alex leapt out of his seat and moved away from him, shaking his head violently. "Alex, love, I'm so––"

"Just tell me what was so fucking important," Alex demanded. This was a week or two of drifting followed by a really shitty day. Alex knew that Henry was really busy with the shelters and his manuscript, so he was fine with (or used to, anyway) that feeling of loneliness and distance that came when Henry had a lot going on. But it had been at least a week of that distance to the point where he and Henry hadn't had sex or really just been with each other in over two weeks despite both being in New York. And now, on top of that, Henry forgot their anniversary and Alex was pissed. It was stuff like this that made Alex think that he was the only one that was one thousand percent invested in the relationship.

Henry hung his head. "I...I was reading."

Alex wanted to scream. To his horror, his eyes started to tear up. Angry at his body for betraying him and giving his emotions away, he forcefully wiped the tears from his eyes. Henry reach out for him again, but Alex wouldn't let him get close. 

"So, just to clarify," he sapped, "you stood me up for our fucking anniversary because you were reading."

"I––"

"No, don't. I thought...was it stupid for me to think that I actually matter to you? I know you've been busy, but...I guess I thought, for our anniversary, I could be your priority. Just for the day. A few hours. That's all..."he sighed. "That's all I wanted."

Henry recoiled like he had been slapped. A wave of guilt rushed over Alex when he looked at his shell-shocked boyfriend, but he pushed it away. Whatever Henry felt was a mere fraction of what he was feeling. And, to make things worse, it had been going on for so long. Alex had his own busy schedule, but he always made Henry a priority since time together was so precious and fleeting. If Alex could put off a massive project to go to dinner with Henry, he should have been able to rely on Henry to do the same.

"Alex, surely you know that you have been and always will be my number one priority."

"I don't, actually. It doesn't feel like it. It hasn't felt like it for at least a week now."

Henry plopped himself down on the sofa. "I'm sorry," he said. Alex pretended not to notice the tears in Henry's eyes. "We can still celebrate. Our flight doesn't take off until eight in the morning. That's eight hours to make it up to you."

Alex shook his head. "No. I––You lost your chance. I've been so patient with you, but I never get to see you anymore. I uprooted my whole life, changed my career, to be with you. And I was happy to do that because I love you and you will always be my number one priority, but it sucks that I'm not your's anymore."

"I love you," Henry sobbed, "more than anything. I––"

"I want to believe you," Alex whispered. Broken. Beaten and battered. "I really do."

"Then believe me," Henry begged.

Alex pulled his fingers through his hair. "I can't. I––I'm going to bed. I need to sleep on this," he said, knowing that there was no way he would get more than an hour of sleep. If that.

Henry started to stand. "I'll go with you."

"I'm going to sleep in the guest room," Alex decided.

"Alex––"

Alex held up a defeated hand. "No. I need...I need time. To just not be with you. To think."

Henry let out a mangled sob but Alex didn't dare look back at him. Instead, he nodded and went upstairs.


	2. Two

It was seven in the morning and there was still no sign of Alex. The car would be outside in fifteen minutes to take them to the airstrip and Alex had yet to make an appearance. Henry, who had been up all night feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, had already packed, walked and fed David, and taken a shower. He decided to check in on Alex, just to make sure that he was ready. They were going to London for a few days because Henry had some meetings and Pez's birthday was soon and Henry wanted to celebrate with him in person. When Henry told Alex about his plan to go back to London, Alex had instantly agreed to come with him and to use the time as a sort of vacation from the chaos of their lives. At the time, it had sounded absolutely lovely to Henry, but now it felt like it might kill him, especially if Alex wasn't speaking to him. He knocked on Alex's door, expecting Alex to open it and say good morning at the very least, but there was no response. Henry opened the door and found Alex sleeping in the bed with the blankets wrapped around him, a pillow over his head and his phone in his hand.

"Alex, love," Henry said, moving to his bedside, "we have to go. Time to get up."

Alex grumbled something incoherent and moved the pillow off his face. He sat up a bit, perching himself up on his elbows, and looked at Henry with sleepy eyes and a hair full of tousled curls. "What?"

"The car will be here in fifteen minutes," Henry reminded him. "We've got a plane to catch."

"Plane?" Alex rubbed his eyes. 

"Yes, a plane. We're going to London for a few days, remember?"

Alex thought about it for a second. "Oh, right. You had meetings or something."

"Yes, and Pez's birthday," he added. 

Alex glared at him, the sleepiness suddenly washed away. "Oh, so that you remember? You'll fly around the world for Pez's birthday party even though it isn't actually for another few weeks?"

Henry felt his heart break at the words because, though it hurt, it was true. It wasn't like he had forgotten about his anniversary with Alex. He had known that it was coming up, but he had let the days slip by without really caring what days they were. He thought he had more time before their anniversary and he felt like a proper git for not keeping better track of it all. 

"I––I'm sorry. I'll say it a thousand times. I'll write you a novel about how sorry I am," he promised. "But please, Alex, get up and dressed. We have to go."

Alex hummed to himself like he was deep in thought before sinking back down into the blankets. "I'm not going," he decided. "I mean, if you're just going to be in meetings and with Pez the whole time, I wouldn't really get to see you, anyway. I'd rather just not see you without all the hassle and traveling."

Henry wanted to argue with him, fight for Alex to come, but he had no idea what to say. Instead, he sat down on Alex's bed and looked at him for a moment while he tried to piece together a coherent sentence. "Will you be here when I get back?"

Alex narrowed his eyes at him. "Where else am I supposed to go? I moved my entire life here for you, remember?"

Henry winced. "Right. I...Alex, I don't want to leave like this," he cried. He was so sick of crying. He'd spent half the night crying and the other half of it trying very hard not to cry.

"Priorities, baby," Alex snapped. "You promised you'd go. Very important meetings and all that. And we both know how important all that work is to you. Or maybe they'll have a nice book for you to read and you'll forget about all of your tedious commitments."

"I understand that you're very cross with me," Henry said, wiping his eyes. "I'm very cross with myself. I don't understand why you're being so cruel about it, though. I already feel awful and I've already told you how sorry I am and how much I love you, so there isn't really a point to all of this childish fighting. I've said everything I could possibly say to tell you how apologetic I am, but you either refuse to hear it or acknowledge it. If I could turn back time and wake up by your side yesterday, kiss you, and wish you a happy anniversary, I would. I would do it in an instant. Even if you're too stubborn to accept my apology and hear me when I tell you how much I love you and how all of this fighting and the silence and the you not coming to London with me kills me. It's killing me, Alex. Honestly. You are my priority and you are the love of my life, even if I've been shit at showing you that recently."

Alex didn't say anything, so Henry decided to continue. This was the most Alex had let him speak in the past eight hours.

"I love you endlessly. I love you so much that it hurts. And I really do hope that you decide to get up and come with me to London because the thought of us leaving things on this note for days makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of leaving you makes me sick to my stomach. I love you more than words can describe. Please, darling, come with me so we can work through this."

"You're going to miss your plane," Alex huffed, rolling over and away from Henry. 

"Alex––"

"Just fucking go, okay?" Alex snapped, facing him again. "I don't...I can't even look at you right now. And I know that I'm being fucking dramatic but you don't fucking get it. You don't get how much I've missed you these past two weeks. We haven't had sex in over two weeks and I hardly got to see you at all, and then you stood me up for our fucking anniversary and I just can't right now. It hurts too much. I need time to think about everything, and I need you gone for me to have the right kind of headspace to do that. So go get on your plane and have a great time with the meetings and Pez's birthday."

"I can't have a great time if you're not with me!"

"Guess you should have thought about that earlier, then."

Defeated, Henry stood up and walked towards the door. He turned around in the doorframe and looked back at Alex. "Goodbye, then. I love you."

"Bye."

Henry, blinking back fresh tears, turned around again and shut the door behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two days since Henry left for England and Alex had spent his time moping around the brownstone and actively avoiding his phone. Henry had been texting him every few hours to say he loved Alex and that he was sorry. His last text had bee around five in the morning New York time and it explained that he would be deep in meetings at Buckingham all day but he would be love to talk to Alex later if he was up for it. Since Alex had nothing but time to sit and stew on everything, he had come to a realization: yes, he was being dramatic, but Henry had hurt him. Upon further reflection, Alex came to understand that, just because Henry had hurt him, he didn't have the right to hurt him back. Still, Alex wasn't ready to face him. He felt ashamed and unprepared to sit down and have a rational conversation about everything.

Around noon, Alex (who had fallen asleep watching The Great British Bake-Off) was awoken by his phone ringing. With a mind full of concrete and disconnected limbs, Alex picked up the phone and held it to his ear.

"Check the news," Zhara's voice said.

Alex blinked and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What?"

"CNN," Zhara demanded. "Do it right fucking now."

Alex groaned and put her on speaker and checked his CNN app where he had missed a push notification while he was sleeping.

Breaking news: Bomb in Buckingham Palace, multiple casualties

He barely registered the first sentence before he was sprinting towards the bathroom, phone in hand. Almost immediately, he hunched over the toilet and promptly emptied the the contents of his stomach.

"Alex, where was Henry today? Kensington?"

Alex groaned and clutched his stomach. "Buckingham."

"Fucking shit," Zhara moaned on the other end. "Look, Buckingham's on lockdown. We won't know anything for a few hours, probably, until they figure this out."

"Can I get on a plane?"

"Are you serious? No, you can't get on a plane. We don't even know what happened or who the target was. You need to hang tight. I'll let you know when we know more news, okay?"

Alex hung up, unable to try to have a conversation for another second.

The room was spinning. The air was too thick for him to take in. Alex dry-heaved again. He kept playing his last interaction with Henry over and over again, wishing that he could take it back. He hadn't even told Henry how much he loved him––how he loved him with every cell in his body. The last thing he told him was "bye" with no feeling. No "I love you," no "miss you like a home." Nothing but anger. God, Alex was a fucking idiot. He should have kissed him goodbye, should have told him even a fraction of how he felt about him. Jesus fucking Christ, if Henry was dead and died thinking that Alex hated him, Alex wouldn't be able to live with himself.

Like a ghost, he practically floated to his closet and grabbed the suit jacket that he had worn for the failed anniversary dinner, the one with something heavy in the inside pocket. He pulled the item out, a small, black velvet box, and turned it over in his hands. He opened it and looked at the ring inside—the ring that Princess Catherine had given him when he told her his plan. She had been so happy then. Alex had been so happy then. That was...well, that was months ago. And Henry had never showed up to dinner so the ring had remained in its box and in Alex's jacket. Untouched. Unused. With trembling hands he snapped a picture of the ring and sent it to Henry.

Forever, baby. I'm so sorry. I love you.

He pressed send and put his phone down, not knowing if Henry would get it. If he would ever receive another text message again. Alex should have told him. He should have put his anger aside and proposed the second Henry walked in through the door that night. If Henry was dead, Alex would die, too. His heart would stop beating. His smile would fade. Everything good about life, everything he had come to love and appreciate, would be gone. It would go back to the way things were before Henry—Alex working himself to death to achieve goals he didn't really care about. The only thing he had come to dream of was Henry. Having Henry by his side to face whatever came their way. 

And now...

Alex would never forgive himself. Could never forgive himself. Still clutching the ring box in his hand, he fell to his knees on the floor. His phone buzzed like a menace in his other hand, but he wouldn't dare look at it. He couldn't take anymore of it. He needed to shut down, to let himself grieve. Sleep finally came to him when his eyes were cried out and his whole body felt dry and prune-like. His dreams were strange and hazy, but Henry was in all of them. Henry laughing, Henry smiling, Henry kissing him, Henry's mouth and that place it went sometimes. 

When Alex opened his eyes some unknown time later, he realized that he was hallucinating because when he opened his eyes he saw Henry crouching in front of him, his eyebrows knitted in confusion. Alex managed to push himself up a bit and stare back at the hallucination, his eyes wide, breath hitching in his throat. 

"Stop," he begged, "please. Just...no. Not right now."

The hallucination frowned at him. "Are you still cross with me?"

Alex shook his head, new tears coming down. "No. I love you. I love you so much and I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you that before you left and I'm sorry that there was that expl––"

"Alex, stop. I'm real. I'm here. I wasn't even there when it happened. I had a meeting and then I realized that none of those meetings were as important as coming home and fixing things with you."

Alex blinked at it, wanting to believe that it was true. He knew that he wasn't that lucky, though. No one could be. Henry was hurt or dead and it wasn't really Alex's fault because he wasn't the one that someone snuck a bomb into Buckingham, but he felt like it was his fault. It was his fault because he hadn't told Henry that he loved him. He hadn't told him that he wanted to marry him. He hadn't told him a lot of things.

"I wanted to marry you," Alex whispered. "That's why I was so mad at you for missing our anniversary dinner. I was going to ask you to marry me."

Henry smiled softly at him. "I figured that much out," he chuckled, reaching forward to swipe a stray hair off of Alex's forehead. Alex knew that it was insane, but he swore he could feel Henry's hand on his face. That he could feel the warmth radiating from his delicate fingertips. 

Alex closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to embrace this very realistic hallucination. "I wish you were here."

"I am here, Alex. I'm right here."

Alex shook his head and curled up into himself.

"I tried calling you fifty times," Henry said, "but you must've been asleep."

"There was a bomb," Alex said. "You were there."

"I wasn't," Henry assured him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "I told you that I left. I was halfway here when it happened." 

Alex looked at him and sat up again, resting his forehead against his. "So...if I–-" he didn't finish. Instead, he brought his lips against Henry's. He expected to somehow go right through him, but he didn't. His lips landed on Henry's and Henry's hands wrapped around Alex's waist and pulled him closer so there was no space between them. Alex moaned and tugged his fingers through Henry's hair just to reassure himself that Henry was actually here. He pulled away after a minute and stared into Henry's eyes. Henry's eyes which were still there, staring back at him. 

"Henry," he whispered. "Oh my God, you're really here."

Henry nodded and brushed his thumb along Alex's tear tracks. "Yes, love. I'm here."

Alex pulled himself onto Henry and threw his arms around him, burying his head in the crook of his neck. He pulled back after a moment. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you forever. More than forever. I forgive you and I'm sorry and I love you so fucking much."

Henry smiled and kissed him again. 

"Wait," Alex said, pulling away, "I know I've been an asshole, but will you...I mean, this isn't how I planned on doing it, but will you marry me?"

"Nothing would make me happier."

Pleased and elated and satisfied, Alex grinned and pulled Henry forward to capture his lips again. He had a lot to make up for and they had the whole night for Alex to show him how much he loved him.


End file.
